1st May 1985 (II)
So, I decided to do something different on 30th April. But instead of going to a supposedly "chaotically wild" fun-party, where I would not have known anybody, and which was considered as a farewell-party , I went to a more relaxed kind-of-baseball-game/welcome-back-party/barbecue/sit-together. That was fun until like 11.00 p.m. then I became sentimental and I stopped drinking completely (well, honestly, I had not been really drinking before). And around midnight I just wanted to go home.
I wonder why, I am still become so sad on 1st May. I mean come on, my mother died 20 years ago. I am an adult, I finished school, apprenticeship and university and in principle I could already have my own family. Besides I have "another" mother since 18 years.
Sometime I wonder, whether my life would have been really different with my “real” mum. Probably, it would have been. But who knows. I remember two things, she wanted me to accomplish and so far I only managed to learn to dance fairly well. And I also remember me pretending to play, while watching the late President Ronald Reagan’s state visit to Germany, but actually listening to the adults around noon, when our pastor came and tried to condolence and I thought “Your boss is just not fair. I have been praying and been good and all those things and he takes my mum.” And he told me that God’s decisions are sometimes hard to understand but one day I would understand him. Honestly, I still do not understand it.
Anyway. That is it. I have to overcome this. But I really did not feel like partying with the cool crowd today/yesterday and I am sure I will not do it in the future...
I wonder why, I am still become so sad on 1st May. I mean come on, my mother died 20 years ago. I am an adult, I finished school, apprenticeship and university and in principle I could already have my own family. Besides I have "another" mother since 18 years.
Sometime I wonder, whether my life would have been really different with my “real” mum. Probably, it would have been. But who knows. I remember two things, she wanted me to accomplish and so far I only managed to learn to dance fairly well. And I also remember me pretending to play, while watching the late President Ronald Reagan’s state visit to Germany, but actually listening to the adults around noon, when our pastor came and tried to condolence and I thought “Your boss is just not fair. I have been praying and been good and all those things and he takes my mum.” And he told me that God’s decisions are sometimes hard to understand but one day I would understand him. Honestly, I still do not understand it.
Anyway. That is it. I have to overcome this. But I really did not feel like partying with the cool crowd today/yesterday and I am sure I will not do it in the future...
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