Interpersonal / Relationship problems
Men are not necessarily considered to be the designated dialogue partner. This is the common perception, which is not true. I cannot help it, I do find it complicated or weird to give advice on relationships because it always boils down to what someone deliberately want or want to give up respectively. As an outsider, it is easy to make people realise the true desires and also to provide some (more) unbiased analysis of incidents. And I always enjoy helping others while I become angry about those who obviously violate relationships. I am not criticising those who want to break up because love is gone and who realised that it has not been true love. I become angry, when it is about the behaviour of those men who never left the development stage of hunter-gatherers.
Well, but for those men who always wanted to give advice on relationships to women, here they are, the six steps for a successful conversation:
1. Express you surprise.
It is usually horror news, although there are (unsustainable) relationships, in which problems frequently pop up. Nevertheless, if she calls, you should be surprised if you believe in their relationship, otherwise try to pretend it. If you do not want to contribute to adhere their relationship. This would either disqualify you from the following phases of the conversation or if it is a permanent issue with this gentleman, go to step six.
2. Show sympathy.
This is actually the longest part and it is important to let the other person talk and to guide their suffering by open questions but feel free to confirm her statements regularly.
3. Bashing him.
The second phase is usually followed by the bashing phase. Do not join in her bashing blindly. Keep an objective distance; just judge those incidents/misconducts which are evident. Do not interpret too much. In some regards men are generally retarded and they do not think about all consequences of their deeds. So some degrees of freedom and forgiveness are necessary to uphold a relationship. Nevertheless, the same is true for him. A relationship requires mutual understanding and compromises by both partners.
However, men are usually simple minded (I abstain from writing “cock-driven”, which may hit the nail on its head), so some incidents might be just too evident and must be criticised. But, please do it as objectively as possible.
4. Find remaining feelings.
Based on your conclusion of the third phase, it now important to assess whether there are some remaining feelings, which can be enforced in the following phase to reinforce the relationship. If the conclusion of the third phase was that the relationship is unsustainable because of the incident(s), go to step six.
5. Enforce her remaining feelings.
If there are sufficient feelings left and if it can be concluded that the gentleman is going to change his behaviour, point out that is was a single mistake, highlight the unique factors which lead to this incident and then stress his positive character and whatever she likes about him.
6. Conclude with an action plan.
a. To forgive him is the most preferred option especially if the relationship seems to be generally sustainable despite his (single/infrequent) blunder(s) and if this can re-establish a satisfying relationship. However, it needs to be decided upon whether it should be forgiven immediately or whether is might be advisable to let him suffer. (Ah yes, it is of course, it goes without saying that this option is most promising if he suffers!)
b. To demand corrections of his behaviour followed by close monitoring with milestones would be a second best option. However, this is usually not feasible due to a lack of means of enforcement and moreover significant implementation problems. Therefore, it boils down to agree on monitoring his subsequent behaviour and to decide later whether option a or c should be executed.
c. To send him to hell is the third option and it is suggested in those cases, where evident misconducts are frequent and when it is not likely that a behavioural change would lead into a sustainable and satisfying relationship.
One important ingredient of this recipe was not mentioned: Honesty. It just works, if you feel honest sympathy and if you want to support her. Otherwise your unfaithful attempt will be immediately detected. So, maybe it is not something for all men.
Well, but for those men who always wanted to give advice on relationships to women, here they are, the six steps for a successful conversation:
1. Express you surprise.
It is usually horror news, although there are (unsustainable) relationships, in which problems frequently pop up. Nevertheless, if she calls, you should be surprised if you believe in their relationship, otherwise try to pretend it. If you do not want to contribute to adhere their relationship. This would either disqualify you from the following phases of the conversation or if it is a permanent issue with this gentleman, go to step six.
2. Show sympathy.
This is actually the longest part and it is important to let the other person talk and to guide their suffering by open questions but feel free to confirm her statements regularly.
3. Bashing him.
The second phase is usually followed by the bashing phase. Do not join in her bashing blindly. Keep an objective distance; just judge those incidents/misconducts which are evident. Do not interpret too much. In some regards men are generally retarded and they do not think about all consequences of their deeds. So some degrees of freedom and forgiveness are necessary to uphold a relationship. Nevertheless, the same is true for him. A relationship requires mutual understanding and compromises by both partners.
However, men are usually simple minded (I abstain from writing “cock-driven”, which may hit the nail on its head), so some incidents might be just too evident and must be criticised. But, please do it as objectively as possible.
4. Find remaining feelings.
Based on your conclusion of the third phase, it now important to assess whether there are some remaining feelings, which can be enforced in the following phase to reinforce the relationship. If the conclusion of the third phase was that the relationship is unsustainable because of the incident(s), go to step six.
5. Enforce her remaining feelings.
If there are sufficient feelings left and if it can be concluded that the gentleman is going to change his behaviour, point out that is was a single mistake, highlight the unique factors which lead to this incident and then stress his positive character and whatever she likes about him.
6. Conclude with an action plan.
a. To forgive him is the most preferred option especially if the relationship seems to be generally sustainable despite his (single/infrequent) blunder(s) and if this can re-establish a satisfying relationship. However, it needs to be decided upon whether it should be forgiven immediately or whether is might be advisable to let him suffer. (Ah yes, it is of course, it goes without saying that this option is most promising if he suffers!)
b. To demand corrections of his behaviour followed by close monitoring with milestones would be a second best option. However, this is usually not feasible due to a lack of means of enforcement and moreover significant implementation problems. Therefore, it boils down to agree on monitoring his subsequent behaviour and to decide later whether option a or c should be executed.
c. To send him to hell is the third option and it is suggested in those cases, where evident misconducts are frequent and when it is not likely that a behavioural change would lead into a sustainable and satisfying relationship.
One important ingredient of this recipe was not mentioned: Honesty. It just works, if you feel honest sympathy and if you want to support her. Otherwise your unfaithful attempt will be immediately detected. So, maybe it is not something for all men.
posted by Torsten at 5:14 pm
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